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Friday, 27 May 2011

The Dark Sea

Grief is like a dark dense inky sea, a tide of misery.  And like the tide is slave to the moon, the dark sea breaks in ebbs and flows manipulated by an invisible force. 

Some days the sea is calm and non-threatening, just background noise, other days it is raw power, overwhelming, all-consuming.  And it takes every fibre and cell of me to keep from drowning.

Something violently shifted in me a few weeks ago, unmooring me in an internal storm that began suddenly and without warning.  An invisible puppet master blew tornadoes across the dark sea and wrought earthquakes below the seabed causing the water to move ceaselessly in unpredictable patterns and with a ferocity that is chilling.  Now I feel as though I am constantly fighting to keep my head above the water.  

The only escape is fitful sleep.  But when I wake from dreaming, there are mere seconds of disorientation and then a dark wave crashes mercilessly, brutally, soaking me to the bone, and I am dragged into reality.  If I only had to awaken once each day, it would be okay, but as the frost of winter moves in, my body is weakened, and resorts to hibernation so I sleep and waken three times.  Each time I feel the cold splash of reality, I splutter through the freezing water, gasping and fighting my way to some semblance of equilibrium.

You see, I am not the best swimmer.  But I am strong willed.  At the moment, every day is an epic struggle to traverse the inky sea.  And yet I doggie paddle, or float, or just barely hang on to the flotsam and jetsam that are tiny broken pieces of my happy memories, and I get through it.

Hope is my lifesaver.  I see it in the distance, a tiny speck of light.  Sometimes the dark tide drags me too far from hope, and I just have to have faith that it is still there, on a distant shore.

There are moments when it feels as though it would be easier to stop resisting, stop struggling, just let go and sink into the inky darkness.  But no matter how tired, no matter how hopeless, I won’t give in.

I refuse to drown.


  1. I hear you. Louder and clearer than I'd want to. Giving up seems no less crazy than all the other options at times.

    That strong will of yours though - it keeps winning through - indefatigable - that's you, that is :)

  2. Wow truly are an amazing writer, person & friend.

    Luv ya xxx
    Lisa :)

  3. can you lie on your back and float in that sea? (this might sound familiar to someone else here) like poetry marzi, you actually make it sound strangely beautiful and uplifting in spite of the reality. big love. XXOO

  4. On a good day. Thanks sweety boomerang on the love xoxox

    Thank Miss Lisa. <3 you xoxo

  5. I had to read it twice, the first time becoming lost in its literary beauty, I couldn't process the meaning. It evoked so much. Your lively and encouraging input in our f/b group veils the depth of your suffering and stoicism.

    Your have something else to keep you afloat: your links with us. I think that you help create strong salvational social linkages, and a depth of union, between all of us by being open about your pain (and triumphs).

    PS.The connection between your grief and your sensitivity to, and creation of, beauty reminded me of Beethoven. After suffering suicidal grief from going deaf, he went on to compose new acclaimed works of strange, innovative beauty.

    Thank you for this resonant, almost painfully beautiful post, Marzi. (This is Lilith. Blogger will only let me leave an anonymous post for some reason.)

  6. Marzi, so much love to you sweet heart. You are amazing. You wrote this so beautifully and I wish you were still able to keep writing, but for now it's wonderful you have this to show us once again. Keep holding on to that hope. I (and many others) wish we could ease your pain somehow, but I feel powerless (which I'm sure you do too). Your determination to hold onto that one distant speck of light and keep going is tremendous and I hope you can. xx Love you loads. Big squishy power huggawuggas coming your way xx

    1. I've only just seen this. Thanks honey so much. And for my gorgeous mail.

      Loves you loads too xoxoxo


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