Aid4Amara YouTube Channel

Friday 25 May 2012

I live in the last chapter


I live in the last chapter, in the aching hollow in my chest where a beating heart used to reside. I live in the winter, in tears of loss, in the heavy notes of a haunting lullaby, in muted greys and the most desolate days. Where I live is not next door to hope or joy. To travel there is not a simple step but an exhausting journey in a rickety boat. And when I return, as I always do, to the cold winter to curl up under the fragile pages of the last chapter, the rain of tears is like a tidal wave, the greys become inky black, the cold is freezing and the aching space in which I sleep is heavy with angst.

Where I live is populated by survivors and fighters. We live on a battle field. We live in the mud, freezing and soaked by rain. We live in pain, we live with illness, we live devoid of tomorrow, because time is transient and the only colour is in memories and slumber. We live in today, in the moment, in the weakness, in the fragility. We see each other. There is no need for words. We tell stupid in jokes. We watch life happen around us and marvel that no one notices the moments. We fight without armour, without weapons. We fight every day and the only allies we have are each other. And when we lose one of our army, we roar and scream uselessly at the world who cannot hear us.

For we live on an island. I know you wondered why you couldn't see us. Why we are invisible. Where we live you might journey to in your life, but either you will return triumphant to the mainland where sunlight is taken for granted and hope imbues your dreams, or you will drown in the murky waters that surround us.

Our island is not a destination for tourists, but not everyone who lives on the mainland is foreign. Some have dual citizenship and visit us to bring the sunlight we need to keep breathing and to find our way. For those of you who visit the last chapter in the winter and chase away the dark with tales of summer and laughter, I thank you for your lightness. I thank you for the bright. I cannot visit you where you are, the trip is too arduous and the contrast when I return steals my breath so completely I am tempted to just stop breathing. But that you visit me at all, with packages of sunlight and love shining in rebellion against the light eating forces of the island.... that you do that, makes me want to breathe more deeply than ever before. To bathe in the light and for a moment, just a moment, pretend I live on the mainland with you in the first chapter of a new story.


To my fellow residents who lie on the battle field beside me, in the last chapter, freezing and unarmed for the battle.... I wish you a journey to the mainland.  Maybe one day you will reside there instead.

To visitors from the mainland, who tote packages of sunshine and love, thank you for bringing me pieces of light.

Between you, the support for Aid 4 Amara keeps inspiring me to breathe more deeply. Your love and light makes me want to keep fighting.  Even though I am without weapons and armour.










24 comments:

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    1. One day we're going to live in the mainland... and the stupid island will be like Lost. Disappeared.

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  2. Crying ... for you, with you ... I have no other words for you right now other than I love you and will continue to fight ... for you ... with you xxx

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    1. Ditto you. Who runs the world? Girls. Love you xoxo

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  3. and this steals my breath. you are incredible with your way of expressing through words.
    xx Zab. xx

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  4. I feel like Lee Lee, he said it as I would. Love and respect XXX

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  5. efffing islands. Let's build a decent boat. (one with enough life rafts for everyone)

    :) I love this analogy, it has so much meaning for so many people.

    YOU are a shining light, Marzi.

    xx

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    1. I get sea sick. Can we build a bridge? oooh or a monorail?

      You too sweetpea. xoxo

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  6. Very powerful. You paint the ME world, you (and others), are living in so clearly ... I would love to bring a sturdy boat and a summer of suns over to the island and, and life rafts and balloons too .... I would give the boat to you and blast the murk with the shocking brightness of a thousand suns, throw all the life rafts out to all, and let the balloons lift all those still stranded .... If only ... My heart cries for you Marzi, and for Josie and for all those suffering in silence with this truly dangerous and disturbing illness. Wishing it were different ... and will never stop looking to find the bridge across to the mainland ... xxoo<3<3

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    1. Oh to live in warmth of the sun. I miss it. I miss the ocean. One day we're gonna drag the island back over and tie to the mainland. xoxoxo

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  7. no words :( Hugs ((*)) xxx

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  8. Eloquent, elegant and heartbreaking. 3 things is wonderful. I'm so lucky to have this chance to get to know you. Thanks Amara.

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    1. Thank you. Thanks for visiting us and bringing the light. xo

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  9. Was never a fan of islands...even less so now. If I must remain stuck on one though I'm ever so grateful to be in the company of such amazing people. XXOO

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    1. Me too. Comrades in arms or without arms. Love you xoxo

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  10. I think this is my favourite Blog of yours, just beautiful and so perfectly depicts the plight we all feel and live. Thank you Marzi. Keep breathing honey, there are more rays coming for you, and more giggles to keep you going. I think you should submit this somewhere...like really. It's awesome. Love you <3 xoxo

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    1. Love you bloss. I take the giggles and the rays for every rainy day. xoxo

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  11. never before have i been so deeply rocked by anything written about ME. my soul cries for you and for all of us on this wretched island. thank god we have each other. as jodi says ... please submit. this is powerful! {{{marzi}}}

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    1. stupid island. wish it was like gilligan's instead. where's the skipper when you need him? big love xoxo

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  12. Lilith:

    Marzi, despite your inexhaustible loss, you still have the very important power of expression -- sharp, unapologetic expression of truth. I don't know if that brings you much relief. I hope it does because it is one extraordinary gift that you haven't lost. And it's a gift that you give to all of us because you express the inexplicable (un)reality of our lives too. And we need someone to tell our story -- because we are invisibly hidden away on a distant island. You said it all.

    I'm so glad that you have light bearers around you. I hope that in those moments of loving relief they bring, you are able to experience some time entirely free of pain and sadness.

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  13. It's very good to read you, Marzi. The terrible island hasn't destroyed your talent for words.

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