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Saturday, 9 April 2011

My new superpower

I have a superpower - invisibility.  I didn’t choose it.  Given the choice I would’ve chosen flying.  But the universe has bestowed it upon me, to do with what I will.  So far it’s been a nuisance.  I can never get served, in shops and cafes I am unseen, ignored. 

My friends and family often forget me. 

Flying would’ve been so much more fun.

I am not vibrant or loud, so my presence is unnoticed or the invitation forgotten.  Like the elderly or the disabled, I am not valued or considered.

In order to be heard or seen I have to be loud.  Or harangue.  Or fluff myself up like a defensive cat, make myself bigger, more visible.  Invisibility is like a black-hole for self esteem, stripping me down and leaving me vulnerable.  I want to scream and rage against it, but I cannot muster the energy.  Piece by piece, moment by moment, as I have declined invitations, they have declined bothering to ask.  I have explained that the mere extension of the invitation makes me feel included and as though I have some control.  But it falls on deaf ears; my invisibility gets in the way. 

I believe others want to spare me the hurt of awareness of another event I cannot attend, however small.  At least it was that way at the start.  Now they merely forget to remember me.

So the loneliness compounds.  It is as though they are yelling at me that I am no longer who I was; no longer valuable, no longer worth considering.  I am invisible.  And with each accidental or well intended dismissal and exclusion, my invisibility becomes more permanent, my alienation more profound, and my presence more ghostly.

I am invisible.  I wish I could fly.


  1. sad reading this...and knowing those feelings too well. but must say smiling at how much i love some of the writing. much love sweetness.

  2. You counteract the invisibility curse. thank you and thanks for reading.

    infinite <3 to you xo

  3. Wow...powerful emotive and beautifully put. So sad you feel so low atm ..

  4. Thanks Cusp and thanks for reading. I know that it can be exhausting. You guys really do make me feel more visible though, and it buoys my heart a little. So thank you xo

  5. i had a P.S - even when you are invisible i feel like i can still see you...might be one of the few perks of being a fellow invisible?

  6. funny marzi, i suppose i am really good at the denial stuff. i totally relate to what you are saying about how i tell people to please, still send the invitation, but they've stopped coming.

    from the time i laid eyes on you on vimeo i saw a woman so vibrant and beautiful. i was taken by your self-expression (marzisms). i am happy you are blogging because i always find...i want to see and hear more of you! xx

  7. aaah well said !!! my last post was a similar subject, it really sucks to feel forgotten by the people you expected to always be there ...
    Hope you are traveling ok. xx

  8. Elise - thank you for making me feel more visible, less alone and heard. xoxo

    Lee Lee - I have been trying to comment on your blog, but it will not play. yes my heart is aching and heavy in my chest - but a little lighter from the support. thanks for 'listening' xoxo


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